modern-jokes

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! How do you organize a space party? You planet! Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

Why did the scarecrow become a successful entrepreneur? Because it was outstanding in its field! Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired! Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts! What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!

Why did the book go to the doctor? Because it had too many characters! What's the best thing about books from the library? No late fees - they're always overdue! Why did the scarecrow become a best-selling author? Because he was outstanding in his field! Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years? A read-a-holics anonymous! How does a book get around in jail? It gets released! Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems! What did the book say to the librarian? "Can I check you out?" What do you call a bookworm who gets a library book wet? A book drip! How do you organize a space party? You "planet" in advance!

Why did the calculator go to the therapist? It had too many problems to solve. What did the calculator say to the other calculator? "You can count on me!" Why do calculators make great lovers? They always multiply your happiness! How do calculators keep their friends? By always being positive! Why did the calculator break up with the pencil? It found someone more complex. What do you call a calculator that can sing? A math-melody! Why was the calculator a great musician? It knew all the right keys! Why did the calculator join a band? It wanted to multiply the rhythm. What did the calculator say when it met the computer? "I think we add up quite nicely!" Why did the calculator become a stand-up comedian? It could always divide the audience with its jokes!

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a byte infection! Why did the computer go to art school? It wanted to become a graphic designer! Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open! Why couldn't the computer take its hat off? Because it had a CAPS LOCK on! Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs! Why don't computers play hide-and-seek? Because they always find you in the end! Why did the computer go to the bar? To get a byte to eat! Why did the computer go to the party? Because it heard there would be lots of "data" to process! What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell! Why did the computer go on a diet? It had too many cookies!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were so bright! Why did the teacher bring a ladder to the classroom? To reach the high notes! Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems! Why was the math teacher always happy? Because she always knew the right angle! Why did the teacher always get along with her plants? Because she had excellent STEM skills! What do you call a teacher who never frowns? A good ruler! Why did the teacher go to the beach with the students? To test the waters! Why did the teacher always carry a pencil sharpener? To keep her students sharp! Why did the teacher bring a ladder to the classroom? Because she wanted to help her students reach new heights! Why did the teacher wear a whistle around her neck? Because she was the ruler of the class!

Why did the chicken go to the library? Because it wanted to find some "egg-citing" books! What's a pirate's favorite letter? Arrrrrrr! You may think it's the "R," but it's actually the "C"! Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems! Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired! How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it! What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An "abdominal snowman"!

Why did the firefighter bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house! What do you call a firefighter who can't take a joke? Flame-retardant. Why did the firefighter get kicked off the baseball team? He couldn't stop making catches! How do firefighters party? They turn up the heat! What's a firefighter's favorite type of math? Fire-algebra! Why did the firefighter bring a hose to work? In case of any fire drills! How do firefighter cats escape burning buildings? Through the "cat-flaps" of course! What do firefighters eat with their spaghetti? Fire sauce! Why did the firefighter go broke? He kept playing with matches! How do firefighters communicate during a rescue mission? They use "fire-phones"!

Why did the housewife bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house! Why did the housewife bring a broom to the party? Because she wanted to sweep everyone off their feet! What did the housewife say to her vacuum cleaner? "I'm glad we've finally come to a clean split!" Why did the housewife wear oven mitts to the grocery store? Because she wanted to handle the hot deals! Why did the housewife go to the bank with a ladder? She heard everyday deposits were climbing! Why did the housewife turn her blender into a DJ? Because she wanted to mix things up! Why did the housewife become a gardener? Because she wanted to grow her own household! What did the housewife say to her computer? "I haven't heard of a mouse pad, but how about a house pad?" Why did the housewife always bring a pencil to her yoga class? She wanted to draw out her stress! Why did the housewife start a baking class? Because she wanted to hone her housewife ...

Why did the Hulk bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house! What does the Hulk do when his computer crashes? He smashes the keyboard! Why did the Hulk get a ticket? Because he was caught Hulk-parking! What's the Hulk's favorite type of music? Heavy metal! Why did the Hulk decide to become a therapist? Because he wanted to help others with their anger management! What's the Hulk's favorite fruit? Smash-berries! What did the Hulk say when his friend asked him to help move furniture? "Sure, I'll Hulk you out!" What's the Hulk's favorite kind of exercise? Smash-ups! Why did the Hulk bring a pencil to the gym? In case he needed to do some Hulk-ulus calculations! How does the Hulk like his coffee? Hulk-hot and Hulk-strong!

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear! Why do chemists like nitrates so much? Because they're cheaper than day rates! Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent! How do you organize a space party? You planet! I tried to catch some fog, but I mist! Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts! What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman! Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side!

Why did the mathematician throw away his toaster? It kept giving him square roots. Why don't mathematicians like to start a conversation in the middle? Because it's undefined! Why was the equal sign so humble? It knew it wasn't greater or less than anyone else. Why are obtuse angles always so depressed? Because they're never right. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems. Why was the math test always freezing? Because it had so many degrees! Why did the student bring a ladder to geometry class? Because the teacher said the test would have a lot of sine and cosine problems! What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral! Why do plants hate math? Because it gives them square roots. Why did the two 4s skip lunch? Because they already 8!

Why do engineers always carry a calculator? Because it's their number one tool for computation! Why don't engineers like talking about formulas during dinner parties? Because it's a recipe for disaster! How do you spot an extroverted engineer? They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you! Why did the engineer bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house! Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems! How do engineers stay organized? They use their protractor! What's an engineer's favorite type of exercise? Pushing the limits! Why did the engineer go broke? Because they lost all their CAD! How do you tell if an engineer is an optimist or a pessimist? An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be! Why did the engineer take a nap at work? Because they wanted to rest their circuits!

Why did the nurse go to art school? Because she wanted to draw blood! What do you call a nurse with a bad back? Unsteady! Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood! How do nurses keep their hands steady? With a thermometer! What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? "Some asshole has my pen!" Why did the nurse bring a red pen to work? In case she needed to draw blood! Why don't nurses ever get sick? They have a strong nurse system! What did the nurse say to the patient with a broken leg? "I've got you wrapped around my little finger!" Why did the nurse always bring a red pen to work? Because she heard it was good for drawing blood! Why did the nurse keep a red pen in her pocket? In case she needed to draw blood (or sign charts)!

Why did the nurse bring a red pen to work? In case she had to draw blood! Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts! Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems! What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? A URLgent care! Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky! Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!

Why did the horse go to the gym? Because it wanted to stay in stable condition! What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor! How do you make a small fortune in the horse racing industry? Start with a large fortune! Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! What did one horse say to the other horse? "Hey, why the long face?" Why did the horse eat with its mouth open? Because it had bad stable manners! Why did the cowboy go to the horse therapist? Because he was feeling a little "hoarse"! How do you know if a horse is a good comedian? It always knows how to "neigh-l" the punchline! What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? A hobby horse! How do you lead a horse to water? With lots of carrots and a friendly demeanor!

Why did the mouse go to school? To get a little mouse-education! What do you call a mouse that can swim? A mouse-tro! Why did the mouse bring a ladder to the bar? Because it heard the drinks were on the house! How does a mouse make its way through the forest? By using the Amazon mouse! What do you call a mouse that can fly? A super-mouse! What do you call a mouse that can walk on two legs? Optimouse-tic! What did the mouse say when it bumped into the wall? "I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing there!" How do mice celebrate their birthdays? With a mouse-party, of course! What's a mouse's favorite game? Hide and squeak! Why did the mouse join the circus? It wanted to be a juggling mouse!

Why are kangaroos so good at basketball? Because they are always hopping! What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! How do kangaroos keep their homes cool? They use their pouches as mini fans! Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their pouches get wet and soggy! What did the kangaroo say when its baby left? "Oh hop you didn't!" Why did the kangaroo bring a parachute to the party? In case it wanted to bounce! How does a kangaroo start a race? On the hop line! What's a kangaroo's favorite type of music? Hip-hop! What do you call a kangaroo that can play guitar? A rock-a-roo! Why did the kangaroo bring a map to the desert? Because it wanted to avoid a pouch of dehydration!

Why don't hippos have many friends? Because they're too "hippo-critical"! How do hippos communicate with each other? They send "hippo-grams"! What did the mama hippo say to her misbehaving child? "You need to "be-have-o" like a good hippo!" Why did the hippo sit on the clock? Because he wanted to be a "hippo-wrist"! What's a hippo's favorite type of music? "Hippo-hop"! Where do hippos go to get their hair done? The "hippo-salon"! What did the hippo say when he won the race? "I'm a "hippo-champion"! What do you call a hippo who tells jokes? A "hippo-comedian"! What did one hippo say to the other when they were late? "Let's "hippo-hurry"!" Why do hippos make great detectives? They're experts at "hippo-thetical thinking"!

Why don't elephants use computers? Because they're afraid of the mouse! What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant! How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "way"! What's the difference between an elephant and a flea? An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants! Why are elephants never invited to parties? Because they always bring their own trunks! How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? You bump your head on the ceiling! What's big, gray, and never forgets? An elephant with a good memory! How do you stop an angry elephant from charging? Take away its credit card! Why do elephants never use the phone? Because they don't have any "trunk" calls! What's the difference between an elephant and a letterbox? You can't fit an elephant through a letterbox, but you can always post a letter throu...

Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies! What do you call an ant that can sing? A chanteuse-ant! What do you call an ant that won't go away? A pesky-cant! How did the ant propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring and said, "You're my one in 1,000,000!" What do you call an ant that's gone missing? An ant-hony! Why don't ants attend church? They already have their own ant-tenna! Why don't ants get into disagreements? They prefer to have ant-itrust! What do you call an ant that likes to run races? A marathoner-chant! What do you call an ant with a great sense of humor? A comedi-ant! How do you make an ant disappear? Just say, "Ant, ant, go away!"