modern-jokes

Why did the firefighter bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house! What do you call a firefighter who can't take a joke? Flame-retardant. Why did the firefighter get kicked off the baseball team? He couldn't stop making catches! How do firefighters party? They turn up the heat! What's a firefighter's favorite type of math? Fire-algebra! Why did the firefighter bring a hose to work? In case of any fire drills! How do firefighter cats escape burning buildings? Through the "cat-flaps" of course! What do firefighters eat with their spaghetti? Fire sauce! Why did the firefighter go broke? He kept playing with matches! How do firefighters communicate during a rescue mission? They use "fire-phones"!

Why did the housewife bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house! Why did the housewife bring a broom to the party? Because she wanted to sweep everyone off their feet! What did the housewife say to her vacuum cleaner? "I'm glad we've finally come to a clean split!" Why did the housewife wear oven mitts to the grocery store? Because she wanted to handle the hot deals! Why did the housewife go to the bank with a ladder? She heard everyday deposits were climbing! Why did the housewife turn her blender into a DJ? Because she wanted to mix things up! Why did the housewife become a gardener? Because she wanted to grow her own household! What did the housewife say to her computer? "I haven't heard of a mouse pad, but how about a house pad?" Why did the housewife always bring a pencil to her yoga class? She wanted to draw out her stress! Why did the housewife start a baking class? Because she wanted to hone her housewife ...

Why did the Hulk bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house! What does the Hulk do when his computer crashes? He smashes the keyboard! Why did the Hulk get a ticket? Because he was caught Hulk-parking! What's the Hulk's favorite type of music? Heavy metal! Why did the Hulk decide to become a therapist? Because he wanted to help others with their anger management! What's the Hulk's favorite fruit? Smash-berries! What did the Hulk say when his friend asked him to help move furniture? "Sure, I'll Hulk you out!" What's the Hulk's favorite kind of exercise? Smash-ups! Why did the Hulk bring a pencil to the gym? In case he needed to do some Hulk-ulus calculations! How does the Hulk like his coffee? Hulk-hot and Hulk-strong!

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear! Why do chemists like nitrates so much? Because they're cheaper than day rates! Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent! How do you organize a space party? You planet! I tried to catch some fog, but I mist! Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts! What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman! Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side!

Why did the mathematician throw away his toaster? It kept giving him square roots. Why don't mathematicians like to start a conversation in the middle? Because it's undefined! Why was the equal sign so humble? It knew it wasn't greater or less than anyone else. Why are obtuse angles always so depressed? Because they're never right. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems. Why was the math test always freezing? Because it had so many degrees! Why did the student bring a ladder to geometry class? Because the teacher said the test would have a lot of sine and cosine problems! What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral! Why do plants hate math? Because it gives them square roots. Why did the two 4s skip lunch? Because they already 8!

Why do engineers always carry a calculator? Because it's their number one tool for computation! Why don't engineers like talking about formulas during dinner parties? Because it's a recipe for disaster! How do you spot an extroverted engineer? They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you! Why did the engineer bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house! Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems! How do engineers stay organized? They use their protractor! What's an engineer's favorite type of exercise? Pushing the limits! Why did the engineer go broke? Because they lost all their CAD! How do you tell if an engineer is an optimist or a pessimist? An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be! Why did the engineer take a nap at work? Because they wanted to rest their circuits!

Why did the nurse go to art school? Because she wanted to draw blood! What do you call a nurse with a bad back? Unsteady! Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood! How do nurses keep their hands steady? With a thermometer! What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? "Some asshole has my pen!" Why did the nurse bring a red pen to work? In case she needed to draw blood! Why don't nurses ever get sick? They have a strong nurse system! What did the nurse say to the patient with a broken leg? "I've got you wrapped around my little finger!" Why did the nurse always bring a red pen to work? Because she heard it was good for drawing blood! Why did the nurse keep a red pen in her pocket? In case she needed to draw blood (or sign charts)!